At first I thought it had to be my own, chiding voice that pipes in from time to time, but no. The wisdom of the guidance was unmistakable.
Besides that, the signs were obvious. They’d been showing up one after another for weeks, some of them for months.
Get a clue is right.
Apparently, I’d been barreling down a road that I shouldn’t have even been on. And some part of me just didn’t want to admit it.
But I can happily report that I listened. I’m beginning to stroll merrily along a path that is much more fitting with who I am.
Have you ever done that? Found yourself heading the wrong way but not wanting to acknowledge it? Forcing your guidance to have to pull out all the stops?
I want to share a little about the signs I saw along with a few morsels of wisdom from my guide that helped me redirect myself.
The soul searching that led to that was prompted in part by a problem I started having with my shoulder. (I could write a whole series of posts on the details of how that related to my blog. For now, just trust me. It did.)
So this was all well and good, and I had plans for quite a few posts over this next month along with some more Jyotish Tutorial articles. I was looking forward to visiting some blogs I like to read regularly. I was also participating in the Blog with Videos Bootcamp, and getting ready for a trip I’ll be taking this week.
But as I jumped in and began implementing my plans, everything started going awry.
Because my left shoulder was so problematic when I used my netbook, I’d started sitting at my desk to work on my desktop computer.
Well, now my other shoulder started acting up from that.
Worse yet, the chair at my desk feels good but it does a number on my back if I sit there too long. Wouldn’t you know, it got my back into such a state that I tweaked it last week and now it’s seriously injured.
Even as this was going on, I got a request by someone that I couldn’t refuse. It involved yet more work at the computer. But I committed anyway, thinking I could use my netbook, just in a different position.
I turned on my netbook and heard a horrible screeching and scraping noise that should never ever come out of a computer. Eeek! I turned it off immediately. (I did some Matrix Energetics on it. I tentatively turned it back on and it’s been fine ever since … but still!)
So, there were a number of issues preventing me from being on the computer more than just an hour or two per day.
On top of that, I somehow got myself into a disfunctional emotional state on a day when I had a lot of computer work to do, mainly writing my planned posts. I just could not bring myself to write.
I was so stressed. I had to write and be at the computer, but I couldn’t.
I just couldn’t.
What to do?
In a state of desperation I decided to try channeling about it.
I got into a channeling state and blubbered to whatever guide would listen. In came a wonderful guide I have who is a master alchemist, and very loving besides.
He sort of lectured me (quite uncommon), and then did a healing session (on the order of a chakra cleanse) that left me trembling for about 20 min. afterward.
But it was just what I needed. I was calm and focused and at peace; and have been fine (and nicely functional) ever since.
Here are a few things he said:
You’ve got to break out of the rules. I’m going to tell you that you’ve got to watch for the “should”s. [Note: I'll get more into this with another post but I noticed a month or so back that my shoulder problems are partly about "shoulds". Should-er. Get it?!]
But part of the joy that you are moving toward with this vacation can only be found if you can not only move into it but unfold it and create it with the consciousness of joy.
And you cannot do that while you are vibrating with the consciousness of stress.
Do what is fun for you this week, period.
You are disfunctional because you have asked to open more to your subtle self. In order to do that you have got to quit living in your old patterns.
Part of your energy system is trying to communicate that to you with ideas such as this but also in other ways. Like not allowing you to do it anymore.
Do you see all the signs?
Get a clue!
Be responsible to your spirit, your fire. This is not what you are supposed to be doing. … You aren’t going to find your way if you’re spending your time stressing out — like you did last year — about your blog.
It might sound obvious now but at the time, since I was approaching my blog differently, I didn’t see that in many ways I was still approaching blogging the same.
I didn’t dread it like I used to before my blog changes, but I still had too many expectations and just as much stress around it.
I decided to completely surrender to the circumstances.
Not only that, but to consider what they might be telling me. (For I don’t think circumstances are really “outside” of me. They’re me, having a conversation with myself.) It seemed the least I could do since they had to yell it at me just like my channeling guide had to.
For someone as tenacious as me, surrender was difficult. But it was a relief at the same time.
So I did what I had already committed to (because that’s what I do). I submitted a new Jyotish Tutorial article and met my commitments to the person I didn’t dare say no to.
I still felt I ought to post, even wanted to post, but saw that feeling a need to do it now while so many circumstances were against it was nothing more than a should.
I knew it was time to put my attention on other priorities such as healing my back so I can travel, and getting ready for my trip.
So I did that. I did what I enjoyed; and enjoyed what I did.
And I didn’t stress about anything.
The New Path
Over the past half week, I feel like a new person.
And even though I don’t know exactly where this renewed way of operating will take me, I’m somehow trusting that it will be good. And of course, if it’s not, I can always change course when the time is right. I can respond in the moment.
I did have one challenge yesterday. The husband of a good friend of mine who lives about an hour away is dying as we speak. He’s also a friend and I’m wanting to do whatever I can for them. But with my back condition, I haven’t been able to.
I’d accepted that but yesterday I got word that he was somewhat conscious and coherent.
I wanted so badly to drive down there and visit.
But even as I began to consider it, my back went into intense spasms! Even then, it took me a little while to see the connection and realize that again, my guidance was having to yell at me!
“Knock it off!”, it was saying.
Get a clue!
Today, I remain in surrender. I’m sitting in a comfortable position writing this post. And then I’ll go get my packing done for my trip. I’m fortunate to know how to do distance sessions with my dear friends who are in crisis — perhaps an even better help than being there in person.
And whatever doesn’t work out, just doesn’t work out; and what does, does.
I’m okay with it. It’s not up to me to control everything.
This morning I said a prayer I learned when I was in recovery:
God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I might better do Thy will.
I’m not pretending that I know best.
I’m just doing what I can to hear Divine guidance, and then to follow it without kicking and screaming for a change, so that it doesn’t have to scream at me!
And all the while, I get to live in curious anticipation of how it’s going to unfold.
What a much more enjoyable way to live!
P.S. As you might have guessed, I didn’t write the posts I intended to schedule for you during my trip. So! I may not be back here until I physically return in a few weeks. (Anyway, it seems this is long enough to last you til then. Oops!) Of course I’ll be checking in for comments, though, so I’d still love to hear from you!
How about you? Does your guidance ever have to scream at you? How do you understand “surrender”? Where are you with this right now?